Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
