So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
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That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
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It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize