I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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