I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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