there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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