Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
