lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
