I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
