so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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