I'm lost and stupid without you.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
