Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
