it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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