Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
