Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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