No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
