We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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