My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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