the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
