I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
