At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
