Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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