I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
