Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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