i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
