I wish I only lived at night.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
