Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
