How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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