I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
