I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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