I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
