i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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