i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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