I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
