I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
