I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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