I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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