wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I supernannyed him into submission
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
