I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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