Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
