I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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