he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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