god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
