hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
