I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
