If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
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what is it with giant penises always finding me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
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