I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
