my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
