I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
