where am i from again
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
