So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
