She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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