Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
