you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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