How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
