you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
