I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
