Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
