the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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