but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Randomize
